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I Remember The First Time, And It Was Beautiful.

there is an elusive beauty in the Dark things we indulge in. but i have never been able to decide, is there something beautiful lurking underneath, or is it the Darkness that tricks our eyes into seeing a beautiful light?

or maybe it is any moment spent with you that becomes eternally Beautiful.

an act that would make any normal person nervous. an act that would horrify a mother. an act that would fascinate any curious teenager. an act that you turn into the mundane. you took out the glass from the picture of us smiling at your bedside. you took the straw from a drink half full. you reached into my purse, and you put everything neatly in order, pretty little things all Lined up.

deep blue eyes shining with mischief and eagerness all at once, you give the offering to me first. i am hesitant. but your smile is assuring.

i sacrifice my sobriety to you, the god of my serenity.

my sinuses burn and ache, but jesus christ, how i love the way it hurts. the bitter taste, the watery eyes, the inability to breathe… it’s all part of the ritual. soon, very soon, the fog seeps in. first behind my eyes (Your Brown Eyes, my love) then rising and thickening to engulf all my senses. it takes away my sight, it becomes a chore to keep my eyes open to look at you. it takes away what i smell, i don’t even try to breathe. it takes away my taste, and leaves only it’s sour kiss. it takes away what i hear, drowning all the white noise. it takes away all feeling, i become completely and oh so fucking blissfully numb… numb except for your warm touch, fingertips softly stroking my cheeks and lips grazing against my temple. you hold me close, and i wished that i could feel more of your being close to mine…

you lean forward, and step up to the altar. i am struggling to sit up. your sacrificial staff is the straw anxiously dancing between your fingers. you raise your staff and with two quick motions and a loud sucking sound, you end the ritual that we both began. i am struggling to keep my eyes open.

i watched you as as you slumped backwards, heavy lidded

and said to me in a sigh, “hello darkness, my old friend…”

(i feel pretentious now for thinking that was cliche. i feel like a bitch because strangely, you were right. it is the Darkness, baby. it’s the Darkness in all of us.)

by now reality has dwindled into a transparent ghost, lurking somewhere, yes, somewhere but we didn’t give a fuck where. The Only Thing That Is Real Is Me And You. your hands tentatively explore my torso, looking for a place that wasn’t quite numb yet. the way your fingertips lovingly touch my skin, setting me aflame and breaking through every sensation, it pulls me into a place i never want to come out of. your lips brush against mine, and you breathe your essence down into my throat.

the next thing i remember, you are lifting me. i press my head into your chest and remember what it is like to be a child again. you carry me into the kitchen and you set me on the counter. i am barely coherent, with my eyes half closed but you shush me with the most tender of kisses. with your hands coddling my waist, i wrap my bare legs around your hips and pull you in deeper.

time ceases to have any kind of objection towards us. we are wrapped in each other, kissing and feeling and soaking in each other’s warmth and i couldn’t tell you how many times you told me you loved me. over and over. and every time meant even more. reality kept slipping away, the deeper we fell into each other….

when i awoke, it was 5:15am. you were asleep in my arms, head pressed into my bosom. you were drooling onto my shirt. i was still propped up on the counter, you were sleeping standing up. i smiled. i love you so fucking much. and i love the Darkness as well.

Life Lesson:

When you find a great guy, he will fucking die. 

Remember this about everyone and see how mortal it makes you feel. 

clintirwin asked: I like your voice... not a question... jus sayin'

thank you dear. hey… you get to write something in a box. who says it has to be a question? 

i really appreciate the feedback. thanks for the follow as well! 

burmesejorjiapits asked: i fold paper gifts too.... hi.

i am trying to come up with something clever to say…. i got nothin’. 

hello! origami is love. 

a pack of Turkish Royals,

you ruined them for me.

did i mention i miss you? 

one very unimportant Thought

i have had one very disturbing thought in my mind:  the thought of me knowing more than you do. 

and one even more disturbing than that:

the thought of us both not knowing anything at all. i can’t get it out of my head: the thought of you, omnipotent and all-knowing you, simply not knowing. you were a fool… but a knowing fool. and to answer all those smirks, all those knowing smiles, “YES, it absolutely made my heart squirm like maggots.” and i still can’t get it out of my head: you knew the answer to everything. but you lived as if you really KNEW nothing at all. you had all the knowledge, but you had an absence of knowing. knowing what was to come ahead. What Was To Come. you could calculate any formula, any algorithm, any problem and find any solution but if someone asked you would tell them how, one day, you would become a (REAL) man. how, one day, you would be a loving husband. how, one day… you would be the most wonderful father.

if only you knew.

but i guess it shows, how much more you knew than me,

because i am an even bigger fool than you for thinking you knew the answer to Death.

you have become the Sun

There was an endless light, a spark that never went out in your eyes. A light not on the street corner, dank and listless and not even the brightest of lights in the Stadium on the horizon. Your light was the candle in the corner of the room. Your light was the lit end of a cigarette dancing above your pillow. Your light, the soft glow that crept out from underneath the bathroom door. 

Your light, I wanted to cup in my hands to whisper to, to breathe into in hopes it would grow brighter in my grasp. I wanted to tuck it away in my mind, to dwell on it for hours with eyes closed until the light swelled in my vision and blanketed the darkness that only I saw. Your light, in every word that you spoke to me. In every stupid, nonsensical ploy to make me even so much as giggle. Your light, in every philosophy. Your light, in every thought about God. Your light, it crept through the fog. Your light, coming from underneath. Your light, like the biggest bite out of the most succulent fruit and as the juices covered and stained my lips you just laughed and kissed them away. One day, I called you over. You were always there at my every beckoning, promptly if even to kneel at my feet and become my dependent. But darling, I wanted to beg for you. You were something I fell to my knees for and worshipped. You were there at my door, you brought your light. You smiled that joker smile and I was already melting as I followed you outside. I could have been your puppet, yes, I wanted your light but you cut the strings and held me limp in your arms instead. You tempted me with Your Light, which shone all your colors… champagne, azure, cyan, hooker’s green, viridian, and even blood red… blood red, carmine, sangria, my favorite, My color. Your color for me.  I wanted the colors I haven’t seen yet, and you led me by the Light to let me find out. You led me through the gate, Your Light shown tan, sienna, toupe, all shades of green and silver… You sat me down, Your Light shown sky blue, cobalt, cerulean.  You looked at me, amethyst and aubergine and tyrian, all your colors swimming colors, and you told me everything I needed to hear. I was vermilion as your words filled me. I was violet as I watched and amber as I listened. I was chartreuse as you opened my eyes, and replaced every dull color with the light blending and becoming a symphony of stimulations for my senses… You spoke to me. Oh, you spoke. Your words fell out through your teeth and blended with Your Light. You spoke with a flow like the River that we watched the moon descend on every night, a river like midnight and royal blue, a flow that ran over the levee and into our lake.  And finally, there was the color. The pollen shook from the trees and drifted down, falling like ash and settling between us. The pollen drifted down Yellow, and that was  your color. 

When I found you, you were blue.

When I last saw your face, you were simply white.

Now my love, you have become the Sun

and forever, you are Yellow.

(at least to me.) 

nullandvoidd-deactivated2011022 asked: Up late so I just recommended you on here for Tumblr Tuesday (probably another thing you know nothing about still lol)
But I'm leaving at 8am tomorrow so I DOUBT I will be speaking to you before then. Charge your phone? Text me? Save me from pure, unadulterated family visitation? Please oh please?

Hey, that’s sweet. :) But I doubt anyone would pay any notice. I am still searching through landfills of trashbags for my phone charger. I have a lot of stuff. It’s almost like a curse. But keep your phone nearby. 

something we both never knew.

perfection was
something you never knew. 
i was perfectly imperfect enough to be perfect for you. 

at least,

i WAS.

i never got the chance to try
to be perfect enough
to be something i never knew.

and, i loved for you to be imperfect for me.

which is
something i think you never knew.
or at least, didn’t want to.

i know you wanted to be perfect for me 
you loved me so you tried.

but darling, you wanted

what i tried to be.
i wanted to be perfect, you see…
for you, so you’d be imperfect for me.

something i never knew:

your every imperfection
i could see perfectly
in the bodybag. 

nullandvoidd-deactivated2011022 asked: "I can believe things that are true and I can believe things that aren't true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they're true or not. I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and Marilyn Monroe and the Beatles and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen — I believe that people are perfectible, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones that look like wrinkledy lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and our women. I believe that the future sucks and I believe that the future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone's ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline in good sex in America is coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to state. I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe that they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waste. I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we'll all be wiped out by the common cold like the Martians in War of the Worlds. I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman. I believe that mankind's destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it's aerodynamically impossible for a bumblebee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there's a cat in a box somewhere who's alive and dead at the same time (although if they don't ever open the box to feed it it'll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself. I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn't even know that I'm alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of causal chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck. I believe that anyone who says that sex is overrated just hasn't done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what's going on will lie about the little things too. I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman's right to choose, a baby's right to live, that while all human life is sacred there's nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system. I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you're alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it."

Mmm, contradictions. How did you know?